Jan 5, 2014

Chapter 2: Déjà vu

       Questions started piling up in my head. I just couldn't comprehend what led to this. Did I do something wrong? Why would she do something like that? I thought we were getting a fresh start but clearly I was mistaken. I never lost hope that things would change, that she would forget about dad and be like she was before. But every hope needs a resolution. I guess she made the decision. I couldn't handle thinking about it anymore therefore I went to bed.
      Sunlight shined softly on my face. It was as if I hadn't slept at all. Scarcely I got up and in this instant everything around me seemed weird. Where was I? Though my vision was blurred I noticed that surrounding was familiar. I was here before. In that moment loud noise came from below. I quickly grabbed morning gown and silently went downstairs. Steps creaked under the weight of my feet. Closer and closer I came to the ground floor more sharper my eyesight became. Heart started beating faster while fear got the best of me. Just one stair and then...
       ...I felt a slap on my face. »What were you doing upstairs, ha? Stealing my stuff!« I heard from voice nearby. I tried to defend myself from hits when I saw assailant's face. It was my mum. »Mum, it's me, Olivia. Your daughter« I attempted to reason with her. »I don't have a daughter. Get out of my house. I will call a police.« »Please, just calm down. You know me. Just try to remember.« »Remember what? I told you, I don't have a daughter. Now get out!« she got more and more agitated. I went for another try: »Remember the times we spent building castles on the Ainsdale Beach, the clumsiness you endured and which effects you treated, the talks about boys that went on for hours. Remember that child.« I saw it in her eyes. The sparkle of remembrance. Her brief smile disappeared as quickly as it came. »Oh, you« she said bitterly. I couldn't understand her annoyance with me. Maybe I reminded her of my father.
       Quietly she went back into the kitchen, took some drinks from the fridge and passed me by without a glance. She went upstairs in her room. Seconds after that I heard door slamming. Suddenly I stood in the middle of the hallway in a silence remembering where I actually was. In my old house. In my old life. It felt like a dream, but it was so real. I could sense it. Like we never moved.  And I believed it. I had nothing else to do so I did what I was doing every day. House chores, shopping, cooking, looking after my mum. After the divorce she couldn't get herself together. Antidepressants didn't help much. If anything they made her more confused and agitated. I got her everything she needed. I tried my best. But nothing could heal the hole my father caused in mum's heart when he left. I didn't talk about this with my friends. I didn't felt the need to be pitied. This was my life.
           Quiet days in our house weren't something unusual. Loud outbursts however were uncommon. I went to check my mum when I realized her bedroom's door was open. Usually she forbid me to come in and she had her room locked. It was the only space where she felt safe and herself. Carefully I entered the room. The state of the mess in there  was out of this world. No wonder she didn't let me in. She was comfortable like that, knowing that nobody would interfere with her things. »Mum, are you OK?« I questioned already sorry that I asked at all. »If I'm OK. No, I'm not OK! And it's all your fault. You ruined me!« words started coming out of her mouth. I didn't take it too personally. I knew it was depression and medicine talking out of her. Or that's what I tried to tell, to convince myself. I just prayed that some day she would change.
           However her rage this time. I never saw her that mad. She started throwing everything she could grab at me. Like she forgot who I am again. I could see anger in her eyes. She wasn't rational. Something glassy nearly hit my head. I was never afraid of my mother…before this. With eyes fixated at her I slowly went back to the ground floor taking cell phone from my pocket. I called 999. Hoping she wouldn't hear me I nervously said to operator: »Hello, I need help on the 95 Portland St., Southport. It's my mum.« »Just breath in and calm down. Tell me what happened?« she answered swiftly. »She's having a nervous breakdown. Please come quickly!« »Did she took any medication, alcohol.« »I think so. I'm not sure. She's on antidepressants.« »Did she intended to harm you or herself?« »Yes, she…« was all I managed to say due to something hitting me in my head. »Hello, are you still there? Are you OK?« was the last thing I heard before I blacked out.
        Couple moments later I woke up with a gash in my forehead and huge headache. I must have fallen on something sharp. Still baffled and with blurred eyesight I saw mum crushing everything in the kitchen. Glasses, cutlery, plates, all was shattered on the floor. She went totally ballistic. In a distance I could hear police siren. With a struggle I stood up and went to her trying to calm her down and restrain her from hurting herself. She was standing in the middle of the confusion with a knife in her hand. »Mum, don't do this. Put the knife down« I panicked. Siren was getting louder and louder. »You made me do this! You left me, Geoffrey! I want you to feel the pain you caused me!« she yelled. She was completely oblivious. Hallucinations got to her. She went towards me and I knew I had to move away from her. Rushing backwards I slipped over broken glass falling hard on my back. Police officers broke into the house just in time to stop mum attacking me. They held her tight against the wall while she screamed and kicked hard to free herself. Paramedics gave her sedative. I tried to get up when tears broke down my cheek. In that second I felt numb and dizzy. Before I fainted all I was able to do was to say: »Mum.«
        Waking up again like in never-ending day I noticed myself screaming 'Mum'. Thankfully this time I was back at my 'real' home. Visibly shaken from nightmare I couldn't help myself not to think what the future has in store for us two. Determined to leave the past behind, little did I knew it could be a reality. Again.

      


       

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